The Sweet Escape

Friday, June 22

SISTERS.

sitting on my bed, with the laptop charging, and with my 2 slices of pizza + 2 drumlets from pizzahut, i'm not happy at all. in fact, i'm quite angry, disappointed, and hurt.

Being the eldest, i think i can speak for all the oldest child in the families.
My greatest fear is to have your youngest sibling, scream at you, point fingers, and hurl abuse.

please note: i'm not trying to shift the blam to anyone here. i just wanna reflect, thru this outlet.

today we got into one of the usual fights. it's been happening very often, almost everyday we have something to quarrel about.
but i don't know, everytime, i'll just find myself crying, cause i'm only good at crying, in good times and in bad times.
today was no different too. but it was the multiple usage of abuses that she hurled, shouting that i'm the lousiest sister in the whole world, and she has no reason why she should respect me.

i think i felt like a mother who had just got slapped my her child.
that bad.
so, as usual the tears kept flowing as i mopped the floor.

i've failed as a big sister.and this thought did not just surface in my mind after the incident today. it's been there for so long.
but i mean, what can i do.
it's so obvious that they 2 have a closer relationship.and i'm always the one tagging behind.
i'm not trying to compare, but look atthe number of photos that they take together, and most of the time i say smtg, they give me the diao look. i just feel so out.

i know that i am partly to blame for this whole saga. but you think i want things to be this way.
sometimes everything get so irritaating and i just wanna take a back-seat, and not get involved. but always it'll be like" you're the oldest, why aren't you doing anything". a far cr from this afternoon where she was just saying "oh da-jie i love you so much".

i don't think they are feeling bad at all, cause they fel like they've won.
the reason why i am feeling sososo bad now, is because i stand there like a fool, just listening to all the critique, and insults and screaming, because i don't wanna argue back.
i came out of church camp making a promise to myself, and God that i would not use words like "stupid, ass, asshole, idiot, freaking, bloddy...." to anyone, much less to anyone in my family.
so today evening, i refrained from talking, listening foolishly to the words which hurt so badly.
words kill, seriously.

yes, some things said about me are true. i admit that i'm not the most initiative person around in the family, so,of course since dad and mum keep saying" what can i do w/o my natvianne?" i don't like to do too much housework, and i feel that cooking, and cleaning up is what is expected of me. perhaps sometimes, i'll sweep the porch and the backyard. i'm not like you who would go around, making sure everything is neat and tidy, so as to please parents. so, if you're expecting me to be like you, i cannot.

i cannot rule out the very basic fact that i love my sisters alotalot. i remember all the good things that we've shared. and i've always been trying to maintain a great relationship with them, cause i don't want a repeat of the mistakes/misunderstandings of the older generation to befall my sisters and i. that's why since very young, i was taught that i need to have a good relationship with my sisters, so as to protect the relationship we have in the future.

as much as i love and adore them, and want to enjoy happy things with them, most of the times, if i can say experiences that leave me feeling sad, and unwanted.
& i don't think it's a serious case of self-estemn.

so now, after alot of blabbering, and i don't even know what my whole point is.
i'm not blaming anyone, if i must blame someone, i would give myself most of the blame.
cause sometimes, they don't know that they are the reasons to just spoil my whole day.

i'm fed-up with the whole after the fighting session, and i feel that i got hurt, i give in and start talking to them.
tonight, i feel like just shutting my mouth, and not say anything to anyone.
perhaps, tonight i may want to have the whole bed to myself.

whatever la. this is all part of The Plan.
i still care for them, as i'm typing this post, i'm worrying about nat's safety as she went running along, and i'm praying for vyl cause she got accepted for the interview to tjdsa after netball tryouts, and we're waiting for the "welcome to tj" letter/call.

help me to change my weakness, and let me be able to be on the same wavelength as my sisters again.

it's no wonder people say that if you're depressed, blogging helps.
i'm feeling a whole lot better now.

Last Updated @ 6:43 PM